What to do with myself
At work today I’ve been reading articles on self-help, self-improvement, living more positively, making money online, getting a more meaningful job, and getting a personal style. That’s a lot of self-help stuff to take in. But from all that reading I’ve really realized that I have no idea what I want to do with myself. I’ve never really had any idea what I’ve wanted to do. When I was little I wanted to be a teacher or a veterinarian. The usual jobs smart little girls want to have. But since then, I’ve decided I do not want to have a 9 to 5 job. That being decided, I still don’t know what I want to do with myself. I’ve always been different, but I’ve never felt unique. I’ve never wanted to stand out or be too different. Where does that leave me? I’m slightly more interesting than the normal person but with such crippling self-doubt and hatred of other humans that I’d rather be by myself and not do anything. I’d like to say that’s a result of my parents, you know, get out easy with that. But Kelse is just fine. She’s a wonderful, unique, intelligent and confident girl. Or at least she is able to fake that all really well. I have no great talents that I can capitalize on: I can sew adequately, I have mediocre design/coding skills, I write differently but without a real point of view, I can craft some cute things but no one wants to buy them, my interpersonal skills are horrible and I’m lazy.
I really hate working the 9 to 5 gauntlet. I can’t stand sitting in traffic. But what else is there for me? I’m mediocre. Now, the self help articles I read will tell me that this is just the established way of thinking and I’ve been brainwashed into it. I have to gt out of that thinking. I have to become something that I intrinsically feel I am not. The articles suggested I sit down and make lists of what I want to change, my fears, what I think I’m good at, etc. But right now I feel so down about it all that I just want to go home and take a shower. I would rather avoid all this and not think about it than change myself for the better. I guess that’s just human nature to take the easy path.
I’ll prolly be working on myself for years. I suppose the biggest and most important step would be to not hate humans so much.
Aug 16 @ 5:10 pm
I’ve never thought about what I wanted to do either. I either want to be a psychologist, or a music teacher, but I’m still split on the decision.
One day, you’ll find something you’re truly good at, and make lots of money off it. I myself am not particularly good at anything either. I just try a lot of things, looking for things I’m good at. Perhaps you can do some extracurricular activities and maybe find your own niche.