So, today started off a little rocky. Rob got home around 7am, and I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up. Then Rob decided he couldn’t get back to sleep, so he got up too. I then played FFXII for about an hour until he fell asleep on the couch. I spent the next few hours farting around on the internet in my room because I didn’t want to disturb his sleep.
When he woke up he asked if I still wanted to go to the club. I said probably not, since Sasha isn’t going and I wouldn’t really know what to do. I don’t dance or listen to current popular music. It’s also a “regular” club, and whatever I wear wouldn’t be trendy or cute enough, since I don’t have that sort of wardrobe. If I were to go to a goth or alternative club I could wear whatever I wanted, as long as it wasn’t jeans, and I’d be fine. Then I started to feel bad because that’s the second time this week I’ve let Rob down. I started to cry and he tried to help me feel better. He says he just wants to get out of the house and do things with me. He also wants me to get some physical activity to get rid of my frustration and anger. I also think that the house starts to drive him crazy. I’ve always been a loner and a homebody, so only after being in the house for an extended period of time will make me crazy. Really, large groups of people make me more crazy than anything else. So, after a bit of crying and feeling pathetic we came up with a compromise. We decided to go to a local game place this afternoon with one of our roommates.
It was kinda nice because girls play free there from Mon-Thurs. So, I got to try out some different games than what I usually play at home. I got to play Cooking Mama on the Wii and Portal on a computer. Cooking Mama was really easy and cute too! Portal crashed in the middle of my game, so I kinda gave up. There is also a sort of laser tag there. They describe it as an inside infrared combat sport. Rob played it and was the first to die. He says it was because he was on a newbie team and there was friendly fire on. If I was going to play the laser tag, I’d want to play with a group of our friends, so that everyone is on an even level.
Well, I fixed my grandpa’s computer yesterday. I’m not sure what exactly was wrong with it, but reinstalling a program fixed it. The cooling fan on my computer is starting to make weird noises. I recently re-arranged my desk and I don’t think the ventilation is as good as it used to be. Also, my electric toothbrush was acting broken until today when Rob whacked it against the sink and it started to work again. Going home tomorrow. Hopefully things will be ok there. It’s usually stressful when I go home…
Yesterday was a day of really good things and not so good things. Let’s start with the good things. I got an A on my French midterm! She also handed out midterm reports, and I have an 89.6% in the class! Yay! I’m soooo happy! And when I got to my car to go home, there was a cute little tree frog on it. When I got home, Rob actually remembered to put my laundry in the dryer! He also weed whacked! Yay boyfriend! Now the bad things: Kaidra, my betta fish died. I started my period. It sucks. I had to present my posters in Comp as Medium. It went like this: “Explosions in Space. Shit blows up kind of movie.” Then the teacher and some student started to critique my text and I couldn’t have cared less. Then I left class.
I finished the data entry stuff for work. I kinda liked it, making Excel spreadsheets and data tables. But when introducing people in the office to new clients I’m just “Mallory, a Digital Media student”. At least he didn’t call me Valerie like he did a while ago, for a whole day. So, work is going well and all that. Having a little trouble with the company email. It keeps logging me out every 5 minutes or not letting me log in.
If you haven’t noticed, I’ve changed the layout of my website. I think I have all the bugs worked out. This one was made entirely by me! Except it uses a few brushes that I can’t remember where I got them. And I widgetized it! Not entirely, but I may make a similar one and completely widgetize that. I’m thinking of making Wordpress themes for download. Looking at the ones I have currently, would you want to download similar themes?
I’ve also noticed how starved for intellectual conversation I am. I listen to NPR in my car, and I find my self talking back to the radio. Rob’s nice to talk to, but some subjects that I like he doesn’t know much about. And I don’t get philosophy, so I can’t really have a discussion with him about something he likes. At least we have similar political views, that’s good. So, I find myself watching the History Channel, Discovery, Animal Planet and other such channels, hoping that they’ll have something new. Or I take my dad’s National Geographic and read the articles. There were two cool articles on the bog people in England (creepy pictures, be warned) and discoveries on zoonosis and where new bacteria/viruses are coming from. I love that stuff! Sometimes I regret not going into the sciences, because that stuff fascinates me. I really need to start reading up on PHP and spend spend time learning that.
At work today I’ve been reading articles on self-help, self-improvement, living more positively, making money online, getting a more meaningful job, and getting a personal style. That’s a lot of self-help stuff to take in. But from all that reading I’ve really realized that I have no idea what I want to do with myself. I’ve never really had any idea what I’ve wanted to do. When I was little I wanted to be a teacher or a veterinarian. The usual jobs smart little girls want to have. But since then, I’ve decided I do not want to have a 9 to 5 job. That being decided, I still don’t know what I want to do with myself. I’ve always been different, but I’ve never felt unique. I’ve never wanted to stand out or be too different. Where does that leave me? I’m slightly more interesting than the normal person but with such crippling self-doubt and hatred of other humans that I’d rather be by myself and not do anything. I’d like to say that’s a result of my parents, you know, get out easy with that. But Kelse is just fine. She’s a wonderful, unique, intelligent and confident girl. Or at least she is able to fake that all really well. I have no great talents that I can capitalize on: I can sew adequately, I have mediocre design/coding skills, I write differently but without a real point of view, I can craft some cute things but no one wants to buy them, my interpersonal skills are horrible and I’m lazy.
I really hate working the 9 to 5 gauntlet. I can’t stand sitting in traffic. But what else is there for me? I’m mediocre. Now, the self help articles I read will tell me that this is just the established way of thinking and I’ve been brainwashed into it. I have to gt out of that thinking. I have to become something that I intrinsically feel I am not. The articles suggested I sit down and make lists of what I want to change, my fears, what I think I’m good at, etc. But right now I feel so down about it all that I just want to go home and take a shower. I would rather avoid all this and not think about it than change myself for the better. I guess that’s just human nature to take the easy path.
I’ll prolly be working on myself for years. I suppose the biggest and most important step would be to not hate humans so much.
