I’ve never had any of that. I mean sure, I want to pass a class/test/whatever. As for the long term, I don’t really have any goals other than to have a job that I don’t hate and some good money for when I retire. I don’t have a desire to work for a fancy web design firm, get my Masters, have kids, get a minivan have a 9-5 job, etc and so on. I get all shaky and panicky when I think of my future. It’s just this black hole of disappointment and uncertainty. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years, what I’ll be doing or anything. Whenever Rob brings up graduation or my parents bring up life after college I pretty much go into meltdown. I don’t want to think of those things. They’ll come and go and I’ll just putter along.
Stages of life: 
Anyway, I’m working on a website for my dad. It’s pretty simple and I threw it together rather quickly. The hard part is going to be transferring all the old pages to the new design. And by hard I mean tedious. I’ve already tested the design for usability, and it should be good for his students. The only snag in the design is a RSS feed that’s in an iframe. Can I just put a RSS feed directly into the site? I really don’t know that much about RSS.
So, everything did not fit in my car. I have about one car load left and then I’m out of my apartment. That I paid to live in. But can’t. Again I say “How wonderful is that?!” in a derisive sarcastic tone. Anyway, I’ll get that crap out of there, check out with the RA and be done with it. I’m so glad that my plants and fish survived all the neglect.
Dunno what else to write about… Kinda bored at work. Rob’s having issues. Wish I had a cat in Orlando. Need to clean the new house. Need to organize the kitchen. It would be so nice if I wasn’t working. Then I could get all the stuff for the new house done within a week. But money is good. I just hate having to take off every damn Friday to go do something. And be constantly going out of town on the weekends.
That box I talked about is no longer here. I can now do what I want and go where I want. After today I won’t have to go to my apartment anymore, except to check out. I only have to go to Rob’s apartment to ferry his boxes to the new house and do laundry. There’s a fridge, so after this weekend I’ll actually buy food. And I can cook it in my own kitchen, without someone hovering over me. I’m already planning cakes, brownies, cookies and other delicious goodies to bake for the boys. I’m wondering what plants to use in my flower pots on my porch.
Right now I feel like I’m in a little box. I have to be at everyone else’s convenience. I have to do things on their timetables. And for me, this is like being in a little box. I am usually in control of where I can go, what I can do and now I’m not. I have to rely on Rob to get in and out of his apartment. I am at Amber’s whim as to when I can come over to my own apartment by myself. When she is there I have to go over at Rob’s convenience, cause Rob has stuff he has to do. I don’t really want to ask the guys to go over there and just sit around while I pack boxes, that’s a waste of their time. It’s all so frustrating. But the box is slowly getting bigger. We have the keys to the house, so I can go over there. Like on Sunday when I forgot to get the keys to his apartment and couldn’t go to my apartment cause Amber could be there. 7 hours in the new house wasn’t so bad, I just could have gotten a lot more done if I could have gone into my apartment. Yesterday we put together the bed and on Thurs/Fri Rob’s mom will be bringing the mattresses. So I could technically live there; just without cable, internet and a fridge. And I’m sure there’s times where she’s not in the apartment, but I don’t know, and that’s more wasted time. I will stick to the agreement no matter what. Just none of this is convenient for me and more often than not a waste of time. Also the rain is annoying cause I can’t put boxes in the back of my truck.
Another thing contributing to this box is that there are so many things I want to write about but can’t. Even just simple things like I wish I could have some afternoons alone in my own apartment, but am afraid to ask Amber because I have no idea what her reaction would be. Or that I am still afraid of her calling the cops on me for some stupid simple slight. But I can’t really write about those things. I prolly shouldn’t have even written those two sentences. And to me, this is the most bothersome thing. If I can’t write it down, it dwells in my mind. Last weekend Dad told me the cure for anxiety was action. But what action can I take here? The Main (and practically Only) reason for this website is as a journal. Other than the portfolio, there’s no purpose. I don’t call my parents every night because I hate talking on the phone. This is where they find out what and how I’m doing. My grandfather even reads this, and much of the design is for him to be able to read it. :heart: I don’t like email because it’s not centralized. You can access my website from anywhere, and their emails are tied to their work and home.
So now, imagine that you couldn’t form words, just noises. You can’t communicate but in grunts and sounds. That’s how it’s like for me to not be able to write what I want. I have the fingers and the ability, it’s just not possible for me to express myself completely.
Oh, and I’ve started my period. The first day is always the worst.
